Muzak.gov

They should provide callers with FLoyd-sized phone books to rip into shreds while listening to endless loops of musicoid sounds played underwater, followed by fiendishly-designed call trees:

“You have called to make changes to your Medicare Card. Please select one of the following choices to help us direct your call to the appropriate service:”

Say or Press 1 if you are five feet tall or less, or say or press 2 if your favorite color is magenta.

I am still listening to underwater Barry Manilow and have no more phone books, but they do regret that I’ve been holding for so long.

My call will be taken in the order in which it was received, which means the guy who called 36 hours ago will be first to experience the horror of being reconnected at last to the beginning of the endless loop.

You said “take this phone and shove it. Is that correct?”