Smash Two Cars. And Call Me in the Morning.

A parody of "every Bruce Willis movie eve...
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I feel punk–don’t have any motivation or energy and tiny creatures are running around in my chest wearing golf cleats. We both picked up a virus on our trip. So other than picking a half gallon of cherry tomatoes (the ripe ones that haven’t split from all the rain we’ve had lately) I’ve not hit a lick at a snake (and didn’t find yesterday’s where I’d hoped he would be taking it easy. I was packing The Shovel of Death.)

I found this site that says it offers current blockbuster movies. And it does. Sort of. Reminds me of that Seinfeld episode where Jerry was conned into taking a movie camera into the theatre to make a bootleg film.

This one (Expendibles 2010) –to call it an action movie would be an understatement. Vintage Stallone who both directed and starred in it (with brief appearances by The Arnold and Bruce Willis.) Dolph Lundgren was both friend and foe to the Stallone character–lundgren, Rocky’s Soviet opponent in Rocky IV, here called “Shooter” which was the name of his 1995 film.

I was suspicious when the sound seemed muffled–as if recorded some distance from the sound source. But the tip-off was at the only humorous scene in the film. It was shocking to hear the audience laugh. Then you saw the silhouette of somebody in the seats getting up to go for popcorn walking in profile between the camera and the screen.

The ostensible spanish in this South American banana republic setting was rendered in Cyrillic text in the subtitles. The audience from the profiles of popcorn goers seemed Chinese. It was an experience. Bedlam and blood. Explosions. High speed chases. The heroine gets water-boarded. Surprisingly, none of the good guys in the movie suffered permanent hearing loss, though probably most of those in the theatre did.

Interesting cast. Too bad the whole thing was so noir (some quality losses in the hand held version to boot) that it was impossible in the mayhem to tell who was who or who said what. But for free and in lieu of actually doing something this morning while I’m puny, it wasn’t bad.

Good time to get ill: I have my regular annual physical–the first since 2007–tomorrow. Maybe the doc will order more bootleg video. Made me feel better this time–or at least took my mind off my queasiness.

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Published by fred

Fred First holds masters degrees in Vertebrate Zoology and physical therapy, and has been a biology teacher and physical therapist by profession. He moved to southwest Virginia in 1975 and to Floyd County in 1997. He maintains a daily photo-blog, broadcasts essays on the Roanoke NPR station, and contributes regular columns for the Floyd Press and Roanoke's Star Sentinel. His two non-fiction books, Slow Road Home and his recent What We Hold in Our Hands, celebrate the riches that we possess in our families and communities, our natural bounty, social capital and Appalachian cultures old and new. He has served on the Jacksonville Center Board of Directors and is newly active in the Sustain Floyd organization. He lives in northeastern Floyd County on the headwaters of the Roanoke River.

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2 Comments

  1. You just know that that copperhead knew you owned a Shovel of Death, didn’t you? I was mowing the grass this afternoon and a baby rat snake fled the oncoming Mower of Death. I was happy to let it escape. Perhaps you should consider doing the same. I’m not overly fond of snakes, but if they leave me alone, I’ll leave them alone.

  2. I’m glad it was you and not me watching Stallone’s new movie. At least half the films I see are of the “Action” genre (the rest are the animation films made for kids) because that’s what dear old hubby likes. I hope between the checkup, the video, and time passing (mostly the latter) you will feel back in the pink very soon.

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